I am visible

I have been absent from this post (and most aspects of my life) for quite a while now. The reason? Self-discovery.

Not the type of self-discovery that you brag about and post endless pictures of on social media causing “friends” to turn green. Nope, this is the type of self-discovery that has destroyed my self-confidence. During this process, I have retreated away from friends and family. I have put aside hobbies and dreams.

It has caused me to start my life over.

And now, in order to save the lives of others experiencing this particular self-discovery process, I am making myself visible.

I am transgender. Female to Male (FTM).

Just like every process, all transgender people have their own unique experience. Some embrace the process and gain confidence with each month as they see themselves becoming the person they always knew they were.

Others die during this process.

I am somewhere in the middle. I have been on testosterone for nine months. My body is starting look like it should. Mentally, I struggle every day. Knowing that I should live my life for me, and then actually living it in the face of those that judge me are actions that are worlds apart.

If you are not trans, do not offer me advice on how to remedy this.

What you can do is look at me. See me. See my struggle. See how you are contributing to my struggles and the struggles of all trans people. And do something about it.

If you are trans and are in a place where you can be visible, both mentally, and without fear for your life…

BE VISIBLE.

LGBT in the Pew

Over the past six years I served on the council (equivalent to board of directors) of my church, covering topics from searching for a new pastor to relationships with other churches. Four of those six years were spent as president. Yet, I do not feel at home here. I distance myself from many people in the congregation for fear of being judged. Perhaps I distance myself because I’m tired of explaining. Perhaps I am tired of watching people not make an effort. Recently, I have considered leaving the church. I read articles from the greater ELCA about LGBT issues. About how we need to work to include this population. How we need to work to include all populations that are not older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people. Yet I look around at all the older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people just going about their business as usual. Sitting in the same section of the same pew. Commenting on the lack of new people just like last week. Some of them thinking that our church is inclusive because I am there.

I AM NOT YOUR TOKEN GAY PERSON! I do not feel included.

I do feel that when the pastor speaks or behaves in an inclusive way, that there will be backlash. I feel like I need to watch the faces of people in the congregation as LGBT topics are brought up during sermons. Both to see where possible allies might exist and to know where to tread lightly. I feel that some people in the congregation are truly my allies, but they are the minority. I feel that while the greater ELCA is actively working to become more inclusive, this congregation is sitting comfortably in the mindset prior to the 2009 church-wide inclusivity decision.

I have been told by people in the congregation that our church is not ready to make a commitment. And that our church isn’t ready for an LGBT pastor. And that actively including the LGBT population in our church will exclude other groups of people. Well the inclusivity decision was made almost a decade ago. That is eight years that I have sat in the pew, questioning whether or not I am welcome. Waiting every Sunday for the wrong person to find out. Holding my breath during every council election wondering if this year is the year they don’t want me as president because I am gay.

I call bullshit on not being ready.

Show me that I matter. Show me that you can make yourself uncomfortable to a fraction of the degree to which I feel uncomfortable, and actively work to include the LGBT population. I need you to sit in your uncomfortableness while we have an open discussion. A discussion that must sometimes be initiated by you. Ask me what my pain is so you can start to understand it. So you can start to understand how you have contributed to it.

I’ll start. Part of my pain is caused by me. I close myself off to close relationships with others in the pew because I fear not all of me will be accepted.

You turn.

My Tears

I sat with you in church today. One week after many of my siblings were gunned down.  I heard from a couple of you this past week, receiving messages of love and shared sadness.  I noticed the background for the PowerPoint, a rainbow reflection with a heart made of tears.  It probably looked like water to most of you, but it was formed by my tears, my wife’s tears, the tears of the victims, the tears of those that ended their lives because the pain was too much, and the tears of their family members.

Tears streamed down my face as I sat motionless.  Listening to the sermon which called each of us by name.  Every lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, and asexual person.  I looked around the room and tried to know what you were thinking, what you were feeling when you heard your pastor call a nightclub a sanctuary.  Did you understand that the place you were worshiping in does not feel like a sanctuary to me?  I am not safe from judgement there.

Were you uncomfortable listening to your pastor talk about the LGBTQIA+ population?  I am uncomfortable and hiding pieces of myself every time I worship with you; every time I stand in front of you as your president.

After service, this question was asked of your pastor, “Did people react differently to your sermon today?  Did more people squirm?”  The answer was yes.

When you checked out because you didn’t want to hear what was being said, or squirmed in your seat because you were uncomfortable, it was directed at me.

If you were nodding, this isn’t for you because you get it.  But, if you were nodding, you need to notice those that weren’t.

I am your sister in Christ, and I am hurting for my siblings who were murdered.  I am hurting for myself because I am afraid of the people I worship with, and the people on the street.  And I am hurting for you because you cannot understand why I hurt.

This topic will not go away when the world stops talking about Orlando because I am not going away.  I am loved just as much as you are loved.  I deserve to be accepted just as you deserve be accepted.  All my LGBTQIA+ siblings deserve to be accepted by you in your place of worship.  You must open your hearts and minds and learn how to accept us.  We will help you learn, just welcome us.

Killing Silence

Sunday morning, I learned that a population I am a part of was targeted by a gunman resulting in many deaths and injuries.  That night there was a vigil that I did not go to.  Monday morning, my wife was referred to as “your friend”.  In the next few days I saw news stories, comments, and facebook posts about how people should react, and how people should show support, and what people should not do, and what needs to be controlled better, and what rights should not be taken away because of one person, etc…

While I did not attend the vigil because of prior commitments, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel fear at the thought of gathering with other LGBT people and allies.

I did not correct the person who referred to my wife as a friend.  Instead, I stayed silent.

I have been on the verge of breaking down since Sunday morning.  Trying to process what is happening in Orlando, and my mind.

Sunday morning, I was told that I am someone.  That I am good enough as I am.  I read articles written by ELCA church members challenging the church to stand up against hate and to not be silent.

Yet I am silent.

I think about the non-violent protesters from the 60’s, the masses beaten and murdered before that.

I think about the LGBT population standing up against AIDS, and being beaten down.

I think about the survivors from those times and how my silence is still beating them down.

I am still processing, but am making this my first step in standing up and breaking the silence.

What’s Wrong With Me?

Graduate high school, go to college, start a family, get a career.  These were the expectations.  Of these expectations, high school was the only one I didn’t manage to screw up.

Sure, I went to college right after high school.  I also got put on academic probation after the first semester.  I also got married and had a kid, but we only need to look at the title of this blog to imagine how that worked out.

Then there was the whole career thing.  Two years.  I think that is the longest I have worked for any one company.  And I am in my mid 30’s.

I have graduated from college and have managed to maintain a healthy marriage for the past five years.  So let’s focus on my career.

Why don’t I stay with a job for longer than two years?  What’s wrong with me?  I find a job I like, usually entry level because I go from job to job.  I get really into it and master my tasks.  Then I get bored, find a new job, and quit the one I’m good at.  Every time I start to think about getting a new job, I start questioning everything about myself.

Why can’t I be satisfied with what I’m doing?

Am I self-sabotaging?

Will I ever discover what I am supposed to do with my life?

Why is there nothing I’m passionate about?

Then I would force my psychologist wife to assist in analyzing me.  But she was no help because she would just deny that I was self-sabotaging.  She wouldn’t even admit that there was anything wrong with me.  How is that helpful to my pity party?

But then she did help.

She sent me a link to this video that talked about being a multipotentialite.  The idea is that you don’t have to have one thing that you’re passionate about, or that should be your career.  That some people, other than myself, never find that one job that they spend the rest of their life doing.

This was huge!

This was bigger than realizing I was a lesbian and coming to terms with it!

I don’t have to know what I’m supposed to do for the rest of my life.  It’s okay to explore all my interests.  Getting bored with a job and searching for the next one does not mean that I am running from something and looking for greener grass on the other side!  I’m not self-sabotaging!

Now I just have to figure out a way to explore my interests and pay the bills doing it.

Patience is a Bitch

I recently visited Palm Springs, CA for a long weekend.  I was apprehensive, not because I would be meeting people I’ve never met before and staying in the house of strangers, but because I have dreamed of going to California since I was a kid.  Hmmm…dream?  Apprehensive? Yep.

I have dreamed of acting and singing professionally since I was a kid.  And as everyone knows, California is where you go to make those dreams come true.  To understand my hesitation in heading west, you may need to know a little about my personality.

To most people, I seem patient.  I don’t anger easily.  I seek to understand other people’s points of view.  I am known as a baby whisperer, putting babies to sleep without a fuss.  Once, as a kid, I stood still until a hummingbird landed on my finger, using it as a perch to eat.

But stay with me long enough and you realize that I am not as patient as I seem.  Once I decide that I want something, I want that something five minutes ago.  For example, I always said I wanted a tattoo.  It took me 28 years to finally decide what I wanted for a tattoo.  Once I decided, I obsessed over getting it until I got it.  So I figured that since I’ve wanted to go to California so badly for so long, going there for a weekend might spell trouble.

Upon arriving at the Palm Springs airport, I felt my fears coming to fruition.  It was every bit as beautiful as I feared it would be.  Hot. Dry. Mountains. Palm trees.  Everything a person could want.  Not to mention just a couple hours from L.A. and the ocean.  I instantly started imagining myself moving there and making a living.  This longing was only made worse hearing stories from our gracious hosts and their friends.

As Saturday came and went, my mind was focused on leaving.  And I have to say, I wasn’t at all disappointed that our flight was full and we might have to drive into L.A. in order to get home, which is exactly what ended up happening.

Now the test begins.  Back in Kansas, away from the dream.  Eight years to wait.

Discrimination for Everyone

The big news in Kansas this week, at least in my circle, has been House Bill 2453.  This bill is better known as the religious freedom bill.  It looks like this bill may be dead, but this is Kansas.  If this one dies, another one will come along shortly.

As a lesbian who is also a Christian, I think I could really put this bill to use. And as we all know, not all Christian religions were created equal, so being a fellow Christian does not guarantee that you are safe from my discrimination.

I need to be prepared, so if this bill or a similar one passes, please expect to receive the following questionnaire before we interact.  This includes past friends and business acquaintances, I don’t want to accidentally interact with someone I should have discriminated against.

1.  Are you religious?

Yes            No

If you answered yes, please proceed to question 2.  If you answered no, please note that this is not a deal breaker but may be taken into consideration at any time. (My religion does not discriminate against those who aren’t religious, but I don’t want to lose any future opportunities.)  Skip to question 5.

2.  Do you consider yourself Christian?

Yes            No

If you answered yes, please proceed to question 2.  If you answered no, please skip to question 5.

3.  Does your religion believe that the wine and bread are actually the blood and body of Christ or just representations?

If you answered that the wine and bread are just representations, proceed to question 4.  If you answered that the wine and bread are actually the blood and body of Christ, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

4.  Does your religion believe that women are less equal than men in any way?  For example, are women forbidden from being members of clergy?

Yes            No

If you answered no, please proceed to question 5.  If you answered yes, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

5.  Do you believe that LGBT people are just like everyone else and should be treated as such?

Yes            No

If you answered no, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

Congratulations!  We can now interact at a superficial level.  Please be advised that I may require you to complete other questionnaires in the future if I feel the nature of our interactions justify it.

Think this is idiotic?  So do I.

A Gay Schism in the Alliance

Day 1:  I was asked to write a profile for ONE.

ONE is a publication by our local Ministerial Alliance.  The Ministerial Alliance is a nonprofit made up of many local churches from many denominations.  It is distributed in the local churches as well as the local newspaper.

Day 2 – 7:  I procrastinate and write nothing for the profile.

Day 8: I begin writing the profile.  I answer all the questions given to me except for my favorite Bible passage.  I hate picking favorites (as my son well knows).

Day 9:  I suck it up and pick a favorite Bible passage.  Upon finishing the profile, I email my responses to my pastor.

It will be important later for you to know that my pastor is the editor of ONE.

Day 10:  I hear from my pastor that the board of the Ministerial Alliance is worried that my family will be harmed as a result of them printing my profile and that my profile could cause a division within the alliance.  Thus, they have decided to not run my profile.  My pastor is writing an article for the same edition of ONE and wants to include my profile in her article.

Day 11: I learn first that my pastor has resigned her position as editor of ONE.  She submits her article, which includes my profile, to the board for publication.

Day 11 cont.: The Profile of Faith coordinator resigns.  My pastor contacts our Bishop to give a heads up of the current happenings involving the church and my profile.

Day 12: The Bishop returns words of encouragement.  We learn that the Ministerial Alliance has decided not to run my pastor’s article.  I decide that my profile will be read, even if the only place it is published is my blog.

Below is the article written by my pastor and rejected for publication by ONE.  Within her article is my profile.  I was emailed questions and asked to answer them.  That format is how they appear.

“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness,” proclaims the songwriter.  As we begin 2014, those words of where our hope is truly found are important words for me to remember and always live into.  I know that when I place my hope in other places, it can be a slippery slope.  I was reminded of that truth this past week.

This is how I was reminded that I must always and only place my hope in Jesus Christ. Trinity Lutheran Church was asked to submit a Profile of Faith for the January issue of ONE. The theme of this issue is hope and newness.  As Pastor, after prayer and consideration, I choose my Council President whom I have experienced as an individual who has an incredible story of faith and hope.

After emailing the submission, I was contacted because I am also the Editor of ONE.  It was recommended that running the profile might cause the family harm or hurt.  There was also a concern that the profile might cause a division in the Ellis County Ministerial Alliance.  Because of those reasons, as Editor of the ONE, I have chosen not to run it as the Profile of Faith. I do not wish either of these things to happen in our community; harm to a family or Christian disunity.  I believe that our God is a God of hope that is big enough to bridge our division and bring us together at the cross and the empty tomb.

I have however chosen to run it as my article. Please note that each column in the ONE represents the view of the author and it is not necessarily a view of the ONE publication or its member churches. As you read Natalie’s profile, I invite you to consider what it means to love our neighbor as ourselves and to believe in the hope that is found in Christ our Lord.  Please know I do not mean this to cause hurt or division.  I share Natalie’s Profile of Faith with her permission and with you only to point out how the power of the love of God is amazing and healing.

My hope and prayer for 2014 is that all of us can find that depth of God’s love that allows us to experience his unconditional love and grace.  May we, having experienced that depth of love, then be able to share that kind of love with all our neighbors in 2014 and beyond.

Name: Natalie

Hometown/how long there:  Hays, since 2002

Age: 33

Church/how long a member:  Trinity Lutheran Church, member since 2004

Occupation/how long:  Office Manager/Billing Specialist for 1 year.  Also, customer service agent for 5 months

Immediate family: wife: Carrie, daughter: Emma, son: Connor

Church activities/groups:  TLC Council, Mutual Ministry, Choir

Favorite Bible passage(s):  Matthew 12:1-8

Briefly share a story about how your faith has had an effect on your life:

As a lesbian, there was a time in my life when I felt condemned by my faith.  However, my journey of telling friends and family about my sexual orientation led me to a deeper faith in Jesus.  I was fortunate enough to have Christians in my life who were able to extend to me the acceptance and unconditional love of Jesus.

Share your feelings and/or thoughts on how faith has an effect on the Ellis County community: 

I think that Ellis County, like many other rural counties, has a strong faith presence.  However, I think among those who are not religious or don’t believe in God, there is a perception that Christians are hypocritical.  More and more Christians, especially the younger generations, are acknowledging this perspective and working to prove that their faith is different.

Our theme for our January ONE publication is “New Things.”  What are the new things you have found in your relationship with Christ? 

I have found acceptance and unconditional love.  With this, I can take a step back and see how many Christians have not been able to share this acceptance and unconditional love with others.  Fortunately, I think that is changing.  Christians are beginning to recognize the hypocrisies they have committed and are changing the way they see “others” to be a way of acceptance and unconditional love.

I knew the profile would be considered controversial when I wrote it (some conservative churches are part of the alliance), but never did I think it would result in two articles being rejected and two resignations within the Ministerial Alliance.  And why do they need to decide that it wouldn’t be safe for my family?  Do they not think I know how people feel about me being gay?  I’m pretty sure that as the one who’s gay, I have a better feel for how people will react to me and my family.

What do you think?  Was my profile worth all the hassle?

When the underdog triumphs

There are times in everyone’s life when things don’t go the way we plan or it feels like an unfair hand has been dealt to us.  I firmly believe that what you choose to do with that hand defines you as a person.  Not forever, but certainly for that hand.  If you lose a bad hand, or a thousand bad hands, you will most likely get another bad hand with which you can make something good happen.  Then there are people that can make bad things happen with really good hands.  This is why you won’t ever see me play poker.  But that’s for another day.

A couple years ago, a friend came into my life who had been dealt more bad hands than usual.  Sometimes she couldn’t make anything good out of the situation, and sometimes she could.  When I first met her, some really bad shit had gone down and I would guess she was at one of her lowest points.  I have had the amazingly fortunate luck of watching her take that shit hand and start to turn it into something awesome.

One of the ways she has learned to make something good out of life, is by playing the guitar.  This is how she keeps moving forward and how she builds herself up in order to no longer be the underdog.

I am very proud of her.

Why dreadlocks?

It has been just over three weeks since I started my dread journey for the second time.  My first journey lasted almost two years, but wasn’t meant to be forever.  I was naive about some things and took bad advice as good.  I just wanted dreads and didn’t know to be patient about the process.  I kept reading about how dreadlocks are a lifestyle, but I didn’t get it.

For my second journey, I conducted more research and really thought about why I wanted to have dreads.  This time, dreads aren’t the goal, they are just the (much wanted) result of reaching the goal.

I get tired of everyone being so caught up on looks.  How people dress, what their hair looks like, how much they weigh, where their clothes come from…

Dreads are my way of saying, I don’t care what you think of me.  Well, my way of saying I’m working on not caring what you think of me.  I’m just as guilty as the next person of wanting people to like me and to not judge me.  The dreadlocks are essentially forcing me to take a step back and be okay with myself no matter how I look.

They are also an opportunity for others to stop and look at themselves.  Why are you judging me and my hair?  Why does the way I look make you uncomfortable?